Dear Mitch Devastated Wife Grieves Hair Loss
Devastated Wife Grieves Hair Loss
Friday, 19 February 2010 00:00
Emotional roller-coaster for woman who lost hair to postpartum hair loss begins to take a toll.
I am a 42-year-old woman who lost all of my hair during my first pregnancy, a condition called telogen effluvium. My doctor at the time assured me that my hair would grow back, that it might take some time. What made it all the more tolerable for me was the amazing support I received from my husband. He has been my biggest supporter, has never made me feel bad about the situation and is always there to point out the blessings in all of this, our beautiful, healthy daughter. He jokes that all of the wigs I have worn have given him the chance to be married to a lot of different women.
About a month ago I decided to finally throw in the towel and accept that after five years and twice that many doctors my hair is not coming back. I thought it would be an easy transition, one that I had been slowly making for a while. Boy, was I mistaken! Since that time I have suffered insomnia and intense negative dreams. I find myself waking up after these dreams sobbing. My husband is so supportive, but I can see that my emotional roller-coaster is starting to take its toll. I know I’m not being the best mother or friend or even boss to my five employees. I feel like I’m outside of my body and watching someone just sliding further and further down.
I haven’t been a big believer in therapy, at least not for me. Even writing to you was an accident because I was just using Google to search for information to try to help myself, and I came across the hair loss site and saw you. I feel so silly writing to you. I just don’t know what else to do. Maybe I’m not such a strong person after all. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
— Devastated in Michigan
Dear Devastated –First and foremost, it appears that what you’re experiencing is quite normal. It’s often not until we throw in the towel that reality kicks in and turns our minds a little crazy. See, you always held on to hope, held on to the belief that doctors knew what they were talking about and that one day you would get your hair back. When we hold on to hope, we hold on to the possibility that what we want can come true. Not a far stretch for any of us. In your case it sounds as if you were making the best of a not-so-great situation, trusting that it would eventually turn in your favor. To me that’s not only the sign of a very strong and determined person but also the sign of someone who knows how to roll with life’s upsets.
The fact is that when you did give up on the dream, you were forced to downgrade your level of influence and dominion over the situation. Makes perfect sense that when you finally admitted it was “game over,” at least in the way you had been playing the game to date, your humanity kicked in, and for the moment it’s kicking your butt! The key here is whether you can be relatively gentle with yourself, without judging yourself too harshly, while you go through and process some uncomfortable feelings. I always tell people that the true acceptance of what is isn’t always as easy as it would seem, and jumping over the feelings is not the way to get where you want to go. I imagine that you probably pushed some of those feelings away when your condition first became apparent, opting for positive thinking to win out, and now those feelings have returned like an angry mob.
The challenge in front of you is the willingness to see your current vulnerability as strength, not weakness, to allow yourself the dignity of your experience and to grieve the loss, and not try to power over it. Many of us suffer from unresolved grief based on the messages we received as kids from our parents and society. Let me remind you that you are entitled to be in this place until you’re ready not to, that no one understands what you’re going through, because they’re not you; and if they try to tell you they do, kindly ask them not to. It sounds as if you’re married to a great guy. I’m willing to bet the farm that if you can get clear with yourself on what you want and need as far as support, he’ll give that to you and more. Good luck, and let me know when you turn the corner — I see you as an unstoppable force in nature when you put your heart into it!
Dear Mitch is written by “The Relationship Coach”, also known as Mitch Newman, M.A.. Write Dear Mitch at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or follow this link to fill out a form. Every letter is carefully reviewed but because of the large numbers of letters we receive, not every letter can be answered.
Keywords: Hair Loss Treatments
