Wife finds herself less physically attracted to husband who is losing his hair.

I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years. I’ve known him since high school, but we didn’t connect until we met up at our 20th reunion. Both of us had been married and had already done the children thing. We’ve been blessed with reasonable ex-spouses, so this time around we’ve been able to travel and enjoy a lot of the time we didn’t experience in our first marriages. Our communication is open and honest. Almost. I’m realizing that my physical attraction began to wane after he started losing his hair. And, he’s been losing it quickly. I know he’s upset about his hair loss. I try to comfort him as best I can. I think he’s so caught up in his own issues around it that he hasn’t really noticed what’s going on with me. I overheard him talking to a friend about it, and he said that the lack of physical connection was on his part. I feel bad about this. Not sure if I should say something or see if it passes. I just don’t want to kick him when he’s already down. I’m disappointed in myself, yet I can’t quite bring myself to say anything. What do I say anyway? I’m tongue-tied. Help!

— R. Macy, Toronto, Canada

Dear R. Macy:

First, let me say that I really appreciate your honesty and willingness to share this with a larger audience. From what I see, this is an issue that many people and couples wrestle with. Because of the shame associated with harboring such feelings, most share nothing. It then usually comes out sideways around other pressing issues and is ultimately replaced with heightened levels of anger and resentment. I’m not here to judge your choices. This is not easy terrain to navigate. I just simply want to offer up some alternatives for you to consider. It sounds as if on many levels the two of you have a very rich marriage both in how you feel about each other and in the freedoms you enjoy in your relationship.

I can appreciate you not wanting to kick a man when he’s already down, and there’s a delicate balance to how you can best proceed. First, we want to do everything we can to stabilize the patient. Being there to support him is a great place to start. Encouraging him to talk to you as opposed to his friends, or at least in addition to them, would make a lot of sense-- especially when it comes to your physical relationship. I often tell couples that getting the thoughts out of your head and sharing them with your partner not only is healthy, but also it allows you to see that much of what you’ve been holding on to doesn’t carry the same weight it did when it was floating around in your head. This builds intimacy, a crucial component for any successful relationship.

You might also be surprised to know that what you’re feeling can be directly related to and influenced by how he is feeling about himself. I imagine you were attracted to the strong, confident man he was when you reconnected with him at the reunion. I would also venture to say that “strong” and “confident” would not be adjectives you would assign to him right now. It’s not a far reach to imagine your attraction slipping when he walks around sheepishly, disconnected from your feelings and needs and becomes completely self-absorbed in his own experience. Once he’s back on his feet, in his body and aware of the world around him (this would be you), you’ll need to see where you are and then decide if the conversation is warranted or not. If you’re still in this place, then out of your own integrity and love for him and yourself, you’ll need to share whatever truth still remains. Hope this gets you started.

Dear Mitch is written by “The Relationship Coach”, also known as Mitch Newman, M.A.. Write Dear Mitch at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or follow this link to fill out a form. Every letter is carefully reviewed but because of the large numbers of letters we receive, not every letter can be answered.

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