All of my married friends are borderline miserable. I’m serious. I don’t know anyone who would classify themselves as happy. I am engaged to be married in the fall, and I have to say this is all starting to look really scary.  Are there people out there who are genuinely happy? Or do we all just buy into the "happily-ever-after" and then eventually discover there’s no paradise there? My fiancé can see that I am getting more nervous, and we have definitely been fighting more since my eyes have opened up to the reality around me. Am I missing something? Is happy only temporary?

— Drowning in My Hollywood Ending

Dear Drowning –

Happiness is indeed subjective. Some people believe themselves to be happy when, at best, they are content. Others follow in their parents’ footsteps, learning poor communication skills and tools by virtue of the fact that it was all they knew growing up. You would serve yourself and your future husband well if you spent some time not just agreeing that you want kids, or that saving for a college education is important, but understanding what you actually believe are the best ways to do so. By dong this you will begin to see the difference between sharing the same values and holding the same belief systems. I can guarantee that the two of you will have issues come up in your relationship — everyone does. The difference is will you work together as friends, partners and lovers to solve your challenges, or will you retreat to neutral corners and sling arrows at each other, believing that being right is more important than being happy? It appears your friends are choosing to buy into their own stories with reckless abandon. This path is suicide for any relationship.

What you each believe about all of the details of your relationship is going to be the difference between you and your friends — or not.  My advice is to have this conversation with your intended, explore your values and your beliefs and, in the end, understand that your relationship is and will be what you both decide and intend it to be. I would also encourage you to stop taking the temperature of your relationship and becoming overly concerned when things heat up. It is challenging enough to feel happy with yourself 24/7; please don’t expect adding another person into the mix to make that any easier. At the end of the day you are responsible for your happiness, your fiancé for his. Together you have the capacity to create something really wonderful. Good luck!

Dear Mitch is written by “The Relationship Coach”, also known as Mitch Newman, M.A.. Write Dear Mitch at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or follow this link to fill out a form.  Every letter is carefully reviewed but because of the large numbers of letters we receive, not every letter can be answered.

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