Dear Mitch Wife With Alopecia Plays Chemo Card
Wife With Alopecia Plays Chemo Card
Wednesday, 24 March 2010 00:00
Wife with Alopecia areata irks husband by playing the "chemo card" to get special attention.
My wife, "Carol", is bald. She has Alopecia areata. She wears wigs most time but prefers not to wear them around the house, complaining that they’re too hot. I’m fine with it. I, too, am beginning to lose my hair. She’s fine with it. For the longest time it has never gotten in our way. Now, here’s the tricky part. About six months ago she started doing something that shocked me, and I can’t get past it. It started off as a prank, and I went along with it the first time. We went to see a movie that we’d both been dying to see. We had tickets, but by the time we got to the theater, the line to get inside was around the corner. Carol told me to get in line and just to look for her in the theater once I got inside. I went along and waited in the line. When I walked into the theater, there was my wife -- without her wig and sitting in the best seats in the house reserved for handicapped folks. Apparently she pulled what she called “the chemo card” and got someone to let her enter the theater before anyone else. It didn't feel right to me.
I didn’t say anything but didn’t imagine I would really need to, considering this was just this one time. Wrong. Since then she has gotten tables in restaurants without having a reservation and has pulled this routine at other movies; she even got a reservations agent at the airport to upgrade her to business class on the return leg of her latest business trip. The whole thing seems just so inappropriate to me. What’s worse is I haven’t had the nerve to tell her how I’m feeling. What started off as a little innocent fun has turned into a nasty habit, and I’m not sure how to stop it. The other night she did this when we were with another couple. We all had a little too much to drink, and everyone had a good laugh about it. Except me. I’m not even sure why I’m writing. It’s just gotten out of hand. What should I do?
— Not Laughing So Much
Dear Not Laughing So Much:
Funny once; not so funny since. I get it. I think there are a few things going on here, but nothing moves forward until you get clear what’s going on for you and why you haven’t been able to bring yourself to have a conversation with your wife. What comes forward for me is a bit of reading between the lines here. I referred to you having this conversation with her. My guess is you have conversation and confrontation wired together in your brain. Not uncommon -- I see and hear about it all the time. The key here is to first detangle those distinctly opposite positions. The way you do this is pretty straightforward: You go to your wife and ask if she’s open to hearing about something that is going on for you and that it is about you -- never bringing her into the picture. Why? Because this piece has zero to do with her. It’s 100 percent you. She’s more likely going to be interested in hearing about it when she’s not being dragged into it. When you agree to have the conversation, share your experience, that you’ve been holding on to an irrational fear that by sharing your feelings it could turn into a fight or an argument. Believe me, she’ll get the picture. She’ll also probably be open to looking at herself because you came to her, not at her. Now you’ve created a new frame of reference for conversation where no one has to win or lose. How cool is that!
From this point you can move into you being unwilling to participate in this behavior with her -- that, separate and apart from your willingness to own your previous position of withholding, actively participating in this with her is not going to happen. You can always ask her if she’s willing to reconsider her position (in the hope she’ll see that perhaps her behavior dips into the inappropriate), but you can’t force her hand. There just needs to be a clear line drawn in the sand about how you feel and what you’re willing to tolerate and participate in. I suspect there is something else at play for her, and perhaps that will be your next conversation. I know the natural instinct is to want to make this about her and her behavior, yet the real win here is for you. Good luck!
Dear Mitch is written by “The Relationship Coach”, also known as Mitch Newman, M.A.. Write Dear Mitch at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or follow this link to fill out a form. Every letter is carefully reviewed but because of the large numbers of letters we receive, not every letter can be answered.
Keywords: Alopecia Areata
