Dear Mitch Man Seeks Answers About Alopecia
Man Seeks Answers About Alopecia
Friday, 19 February 2010 00:00
Wife's experience with Alopecia areata, a hair loss condition, forces man to ask tough questions about human nature.
My wife, Ann, has lost her hair from Alopecia areata. It came on suddenly, and we’re being told there is no “cure.” We’ve been to all the experts and Web sites, like this one, and she knows there is no cure for Alopecia that is going to grow her hair back. I know it. Mitch, to me, this is nothing like losing her life or even losing our home. I mean, I love this woman and support her, and I swear to God, she’s beautiful to me without wigs. She works from home. I hear myself telling her — me and her friends and family — to love herself anyway, to accept herself anyway, to see her total beauty. I’m wondering if that is really possible, given human nature. It all is beginning to sound like platitudes coming out of our mouths to someone who isn’t hearing the message. Are we wired to place such an emphasis on hair and looks, or is this socialized? I really don’t know what to do or say that is meaningful. Help!
— Larry G., Salt Lake City, Utah
Dear Larry –
First I want to say that I appreciate you announcing the elephant in the room for many people — and your willingness to ask the bigger questions beyond the programmed responses many of us have developed over time, and with great practice. I think the first thing you and everyone else needs to do is to stop telling Ann anything that robs her of her process, feelings and experience. We can’t make people feel anything they don’t want to feel or are not ready to feel. All we’re doing is masking our own uneasiness and projecting the way we want to see things. Let’s face facts. On the surface, you and everyone else who has bent your wife’s ear want to be helpful and hope saying the right thing will make things better. Below that, your wife’s lack of ease with this situation stirs something unresolved in you and others she comes into contact with. All I have to do is see what you wrote to me, the words you used, to get an indication that your stuff is up for discussion.
And, if we’re going to announce the elephant in the room, let’s also announce that he/she brought along some friends perhaps bearing messages that you/they themselves don’t believe to be true. I’m not doubting that you think your wife is amazing and beautiful; I’m just wondering what it would look like and sound like to admit to yourself and to her all of what you’re thinking and, most importantly, feeling about her alopecia. Maybe helping her to understand that she’s not crazy and that it’s okay to feel whatever she’s feeling would go much further than the platitudes that fall on deaf ears — including your own. As a dear friend in the grief recovery industry has shared with me numerous times — all loss is experienced at 100 percent, including your own. A great question for you and everyone else to consider asking yourselves is What did you lose in this fire? When you get clear with the piece of this puzzle, you’ll realize the only thing you’ll need to tell her is “I’m right here.”
As for the how’s and why’s, socialized or genetic, we all have preferences and experiences that dictate our personal tastes. I’m not aware that a gene exists that predetermines our potential dislike of people who are bald. Bottom line — let your wife feel whatever she is feeling without projecting your stuff into the mix. All will breathe a sigh of relief when they realize that nothing is broken and therefore nothing needs to be fixed.
Dear Mitch is written by “The Relationship Coach”, also known as Mitch Newman, M.A.. Write Dear Mitch at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or follow this link to fill out a form. Every letter is carefully reviewed but because of the large numbers of letters we receive, not every letter can be answered.
Keywords: Alopecia Areata
