Financially challenged couple must decide what is vital in their lifestyle and what isn't.

We're struggling financially. I am married, and we have one child. Charles, my husband, has hair loss (male pattern baldness) and wears an expensive toupee and gets serviced every two weeks at a cost of about $120 per month. Over the past six months, he has demanded (albeit, nicely) that I stop getting my own hair styled -- no perms, no manicures, no anything that isn't "vital". The more I think about it, the more I'm becoming resentful that what I do to look and feel good isn't vital but what he does to look and feel good is. This seems plain wrong to me. He says our situations are completely different because I'm not bald. That sounds like specious reasoning to me.  Am I seeing this wrong?

Annoyed Anna in Alberta, Canada

Dear Annoyed –

I would imagine that “annoyed” would be on the low end of a good day and some other, stronger adjectives would probably fill your head when the day is not so good. It makes complete sense that this would stir unrest within you. Clearly you are judging your husband for what he’s requested/demanded from you. The real issue that needs to be cleared up is in what way(s) are you judging yourself as not deserving of the things in life that allow you to step into the feminine and enhance your own physical beauty and inner feelings that accompany those nurturing types of activities? The simple fact that you’re writing to me and questioning yourself shines a light on the part of you that questions your need for self-care and that entertains the worrying about whether your needs are too excessive.

I would encourage you to get really clear on knowing that you deserve this. Develop a statement that supports this new awareness. Start with “I Am,” and then fill in the rest of the sentence from there. No negative thoughts, all positive and supportive of who you are and how you truly feel about yourself.

Once you’re clear, or at least clearer on the deserving piece, consider writing down the monthly and yearly cost factors of the things you want to do in service to your own self-care. Are there ways to limit or space out some of the things you have on your list? Do you feel comfortable doing any of them on your own? Cutting back doesn’t have to mean cutting out. We don’t want to support any issues of lack that can be illuminated when financial challenges are present.

I would present to your husband that you’re not going to cut out what you know is necessary for you but that you’re also willing to look at creating a middle ground where both his and your needs are being met. And here’s one last thought in all of this that he probably hasn’t considered: When he feels better about himself, sees himself as more attractive, that supports your relationship. It works the same way on your end.

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Good luck!

Dear Mitch is written by “The Relationship Coach”, also known as Mitch Newman, M.A.. Write Dear Mitch at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or follow this link to fill out a form. Every letter is carefully reviewed but because of the large numbers of letters we receive, not every letter can be answered.

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