Dear Mitch Man Leaves Woman Over Alopecia
Man Leaves Woman Over Alopecia
Tuesday, 27 April 2010 00:00
Boyfriend goes AWOL after learning about woman's Alopecia areata hair loss condition.
I’m a divorced 45-year-old woman who has been suffering from Alopecia areata most of my adult life. My alopecia condition isn’t treatable, so I have had to find creative ways to hide my hair loss. I’ve been having a long-distance relationship with a man I met online. We met in person during his business trip to my area. I didn’t want to get too involved, but I have. So I told him about my hair loss right up front. He said it was a non-issue, and I believed him. There had been talk about me moving to Arizona, where he lives, and I agreed to spend two months there to see how things would go. Mitch, before I left, I shaved my head. I didn’t want to hide anymore and felt that I didn’t need to, even though I brought my collection of hats and scarves. When I stepped off the plane, his smile deflated. He tried to cover it, but it was too late. The visit was not good. We didn’t make love, we didn’t communicate and it felt like we were just friends. I challenged him to discuss it, but he wouldn’t; it felt like a steel door came down between us. I’m sad and angry at myself for dropping my guard and letting him in. He’s been too busy to talk like we used to. He doesn’t text me as much either, and we’re no longer talking about me moving. I feel so rejected. What should I do now?
Angry and Rejected, Norfolk, VA
Dear Angry and Rejected:
First I want you to know that I really hear how upsetting all of this is for you. I was struck by your initial commitment to yourself to not get too involved and then falling pretty hard as your man appeared to be pulling away. I get a sense that you want to make this about your choice to finally shave your head, about being angry with him and yourself and about giving that story the weight to propel you forward to your next relationship, where you’ll agree not to fall for someone and will find yourself repeating a cycle of action that just perpetuates itself. In fact, I would venture to say that this kind of scenario is not original. Although the details of the stories may appear to be different, the end result is that the judgments and beliefs you have carried about yourself for quite some time all get activated.
So, let me do my Mitch thing and tell you this isn’t about your hair. It isn’t about this guy and what he did or didn’t do or say. None of that really matters. It’s all just a story to distract yourself from what’s really up for you. You hit it on the head (no pun intended) when you alluded to the years of hiding, of allowing no one to see the real you because you have been unwilling to experience the real you. The best defense is often the strongest offense, and I imagine that despite what he said about being OK with your Alopecia condition, you opted to test him, push the envelope and shave your head. I believe that you unconsciously feared he would flip, so you simply nurtured that fear along and created it. That which we fear the most we re-create. The issue isn’t how he feels about you. It’s been about how you’ve felt about you -- more importantly, what you haven’t been willing to face and feel for a long time. I have your info and will approach you offline. This obviously requires a more in-depth reply than my column can offer. I’ve shared what I have so far for you and for others who need to stop hiding, provided they are open and ready to do so.
Dear Mitch is written by “The Relationship Coach”, also known as Mitch Newman, M.A.. Write Dear Mitch at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or follow this link to fill out a form. Every letter is carefully reviewed but because of the large numbers of letters we receive, not every letter can be answered.
Keywords: Alopecia Areata
