Dear Mitch Shallow If Repelled By Hair Loss?
Shallow If Repelled By Hair Loss?
Tuesday, 21 April 2009 07:23
Young man repelled by older partner's hair loss condition wishes to overcome his "shallowness".
I am 26 and gay. I met “Stan” who is 35 through a mutual friend. We have made a strong emotional connection even though he is older than me. I’m mature for my age and Stan is immature for his. We meet in the middle. The problem is that Stan is bald, which is a major turn off for me. When we’ve “had fun” in the past he has worn hats or bandannas and I guess that since we know each other better, he isn’t wearing anything and it is a distraction to me. I feel a bit embarrassed walking around with him because he looks more like my Dad than my friend and lover. Should I be ashamed for being so shallow since we click in so many other ways? Am I shallow or this just a personal preference that I have a right to have? Is there a way I can overcome this? I don’t want to keep my eyes closed or fantasize about someone else. I want to stay with Stan if I can. Please help.
— Seeming Shallow, Syracuse, NY
Dear Seeming Shallow:
Personal preference and personal attraction is really just that – personal. If bald is not your thing then there really isn’t much to suggest. There are all types of relationships, and the one’s that often last are based on the mix of physical, mental, emotional and the spiritual connection.
I don’t think you are shallow, yet I am not convinced the two of you “meeting in the middle” is a recipe for long-term success. It sounds like fun brought you together and that may be starting to wear thin now that Stan has opened himself up to you to see him in the flesh.
I often say a successful relationship is much like a great golf swing. It is a series of things happening in sync and where you are not thinking about any one element or it throws off the swing. It sounds like you have multiple issues here, including a lot of judgment against yourself, which is in fact knocking you out of sync.
You may want to have this conversation with Stan as a means to honor integrity within yourself, and if for no other reason, to practice being honest with yourself and someone else. I have seen this process actually work out for couples because sometimes the simple act of getting these thoughts out of your head allows you to weigh their true significance. Yes, this can come at the expense of someone else’s feelings yet withholding this type of information often leads to greater upset when the conflicted party either starts treating their partner badly or acting out outside of the relationship.
If you come to the conclusion that you can get past these issues because they no longer feel so burdensome or hopeless, then you have learned a valuable lesson. If Stan is willing to work with this information and cares enough for you, then the two of you may not in fact be meeting in the middle but creating a new ceiling.
Dear Mitch is written by “The Relationship Coach”, also known as Mitch Newman, M.A.. Write Dear Mitch at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or follow this link to fill out a form. Every letter is carefully reviewed but because of the large numbers of letters we receive, not every letter can be answered.
Keywords: Hair Loss Treatments
