Woman with female pattern baldness is tired of obsessing with her hair loss condition.

I am a 42-year-old woman. I have had thinning hair since I was a teenager. It seems like my entire life has been spent focused on my hair. How can I hide it? How can I solve it? Where can I go? What will cover it? It has taken me this long to realize that I have been obsessing on my hair loss. It isn’t like I need to attract men. I have a husband who is supportive. All the same, I feel paralyzed by my condition. Or maybe I’m paralyzed by my obsession with my condition? I’m tired of this, but I don’t know what I can do. I just want peace. How can I stop obsessing since there is no cure for female pattern hair loss?

— Patty S., Garland, TX

Dear Patty S.

I really hear how challenging this has been for you, and, for such a long time. The first question I think you need to ask yourself is – what do I get from the behavior of obsessing about my hair and the subsequent paralysis that sets in? Your initial response may be that you don’t get anything from it. The truth is you do get something from it, although it might be painful and disruptive to your life in any number of ways, if you weren’t getting something from the behavior you wouldn’t be participating.

Don’t infer that getting something means “in the positive” because clearly this obsessive energy is not making you jump for joy. Because obsession is a mental function that originates and wreaks havoc in your brain, I want you to consider that what you are getting rests in a number of stories you tell yourself and others about you. These stories may involve issues of “unlovability”, of not being enough, of never matching up in comparison to other women. Regardless of the specific themes, they are just stories designed to distract you from living your life as large as you always imagined it to be. When we are paralyzed we don’t have to act, perform, achieve – we can simply hide in the shame and pain. So much judgment is involved in all of this you may even judge yourself harshly for judging yourself. I am also curious what you mean by a husband who is supportive? I can’t imagine he supports your obsession. I also wonder in what ways your time obsessing has paralyzed you and distracted you from your relationship.

The way out is shifting the story from negative to positive, and seeing the outcome through a different filter and lens. I sense a heavy dose of Self-forgiveness is in order followed by a heavier dose of gratitude. A therapist who specializes in hair loss might be in order to break the pattern of obsession. This could be the very prescription you need to finally accept what is and move on. You deserve this!

Dear Mitch is written by “The Relationship Coach”, also known as Mitch Newman, M.A. Write Dear Mitch at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or follow this link to fill out a form. Every letter is carefully reviewed but because of the large numbers of letters we receive, not every letter can be answered.

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Keywords: Female Pattern Baldness