Her Religion Creates a "Deal Breaker

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Dear Mitch

Her Religion Creates a "Deal Breaker"

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Monday, 08 August 2011 00:00

When his wife joins a church and insists he follow suit, his hair loss becomes the least of his problems.

I’m losing my hair and it sucks, but I have bigger relationship problems. I’ve been married for four years, happily until missionaries knocked at my door and my wife let them in.

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I wasn’t home. Since then she took lessons, got baptized and joined this church about a year ago. I’ve resisted all pressure to join or be a part of this because I’m not religious. I supported all of this in the beginning, trying to be an understanding husband, but my wife, Kerry, is changing before my eyes. We’re growing apart each day. They are re-creating her reality. We were planning to have a child. She won’t if I don’t join this church, which is OK because I won’t as long as she’s a part of it. Mitch, it seems like we’re finished. Before this we didn’t have any problems that would lead to Splitsville. I’m angry and frightened. Is this a common story?

Larry, Pocatello, Idaho

Dear Larry –

No, this is not a common story when one considers the vast numbers of stories in the world, be they real or imagined. However, it is not uncommon for one party to seemingly up and detach from the other and run off either in their mind or take the car. I have a lot of empathy for what you must be going through; yet, unless her life is in physical danger, I would encourage you to think of this as a huge gift.

A few things to consider that are of importance: I would encourage you to really examine your time together, being cognizant of any things you might have overlooked for the sake of keeping the relationship together and intact. Is there anything you were not paying close enough attention to that might explain something about her current choices? It makes for a great story to say that nothing was wrong and look what happened, yet be careful of that story as well. Think about if there is anything here for you to take responsibility for.

Secondly, what had been going on for your wife over the past four years, or even previously, that might explain some of this? Is she a highly communicative person? Could she have been withholding her wants and needs and slowly pulling away from the relationship? In many cases women detach over time, and usually one can take a closer look and see the handwriting that was all over the walls. Consider her history of relationships and even her family of origin. In most instances you’ll find an inciting incident or incidents that could offer an explanation.

I trust you love her, but right now loving yourself more is going to be required. If she’s not willing to “come back” or seek out a professional for support, she’s clearly choosing another relationship over yours. That, my friend, is what we call a deal breaker. Regardless, I would consider you very lucky to be faced with this scenario four years in and without kids. I know a statement like that doesn’t make you feel better, and for right now it shouldn’t. Over time, processing your feelings and releasing the relationship, you’ll be able to better understand what I’m saying.

Dear Mitch is written by “The Relationship Coach”, also known as Mitch Newman, M.A.. Write Dear Mitch at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or follow this link to fill out a form. Every letter is carefully reviewed but because of the large numbers of letters we receive, not every letter can be answered.

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