Dear Mitch Sex Exploration Causes Distance
Sex Exploration Causes Distance
Tuesday, 30 November 2010 00:00
Reader writes not about hair loss, but about loss; the loss of a familial relationship because of an incident in the past.
This letter isn’t about hair or hair loss, but I wish it was. When I was 12, I had a minor sexual exploration experience with my adopted sister, who was 16. I hated it and certainly felt exploited by my older sister, who assured me it was “all right” to do, since we aren’t blood siblings. The experience continued to bother me as I grew up, and I felt shame, but I’ve recently come to terms with it and have moved on. I’m now 24, and my sister is 28. We have a very superficial relationship, and I believe what happened brought down a corrugated steel door between us. Should I talk with her about it and try to resolve it so we can look each other in the eye? Or should I allow our relationship to labor in superficiality and denial? Help!
— Scott, Scranton, PA
Dear Scott –
No, this isn’t about hair loss, yet it is about loss: in this case, the loss of a more connected and authentic relationship between you and your adopted sister. I first want to acknowledge you for your own inner awareness of why this is happening and that it’s most likely the root cause for you as to why your relationship with your adopted sister has been kept at such a distance. The difference here is that you have zero clues if this is indeed an issue for her. Let’s face it, she may not even recall it happening if this didn’t register for her as any big deal at the time. She may become defensive, move into denial, pull other family members in and turn on you. The question is What is it that you really want from this situation? You use the expression, “I’ve recently come to terms with it,” but not knowing how you arrived there doesn’t ensure that this is indeed what’s happening. Coming to terms with it on a mental level is quite different from having that uncomfortable, yet perhaps necessary conversation with her to resolve this upset on a practical day-to-day level. I’m all about supporting you in getting what you want, but we have to know what that is before we take action.
My suggestion is to first get clear if this is about resolution or connection -- or both. You may find that in the approach for a deeper resolution, you may not hold any further desire to be closer and more connected to her. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment in that regard. The other piece of this puzzle is whether she would be willing to engage you in this conversation, and if not, accepting the relationship as is and bringing this scenario to a comfortable resolution in your own heart.
More often than not I opt for the clarity and freedom that come from bringing a situation like this to the forefront, especially since this is present for you. Just be aware ahead of time that there are a number of variables here that could play out in any number of ways. Your greatest opportunities being realized in this situation will ultimately be tied to your approach. If you choose to make this about “her” and attach any sense of blame, I can easily imagine additional obstacles and challenges. If you approach it from a place of we’re both adults, this is what has been going on for me, and this is what I would like to see happen in the future, you up the chances for a win-win.
Good luck!
Dear Mitch is written by “The Relationship Coach”, also known as Mitch Newman, M.A.. Write Dear Mitch at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or follow this link to fill out a form. Every letter is carefully reviewed but because of the large numbers of letters we receive, not every letter can be answered.
Keywords: Hair Loss Treatments
