Dear Mitch The Bald Truth About Telling Lies
The Bald Truth About Telling Lies
Tuesday, 30 November 2010 00:00
Wife whose husband lies like a rug learns the bald truth about honesty.
My husband lies. He lies about small things a lot. He makes up stories to make himself seem much more impressive. He exaggerates about the money he makes to people. He tells his friends we own the home that we rent. Things like that. I confronted him lovingly, and he didn't get angry or defensive. We were actually able to talk about it. He insists that everyone lies but I disagree. Could this be true? I don’t believe I lie. Am I lying to myself? Am I in denial? What is the story on lies? Please don’t lie to me.
— Diane, Leeds, U.K.
Dear Diane:
People lie for a variety of different reasons. Some, like your husband, to exaggerate themselves and make them appear larger than they really are. People who do this place a significant amount of energy on how they’re being perceived by others, rendering them less likely to present themselves authentically. Self-worth and self-esteem are therefore manufactured rather than homegrown. The good news is he’s aware and at least honest about one thing: He lies.
Others lie from a place of deep fear and sadness. It becomes pathological, a part of their psyche, and they actually believe that what they’re saying is true. This is a scarier scenario, since their perception of reality is forever altered. The good news? I’m afraid there’s not much to be found here.
Others are unaware that they’re lying, really to themselves, because their belief systems are based on inaccurate or false information about themselves that they’ve believed since they were very young. The good news is belief systems can be updated to ones that are indeed authentic. There also appears to be some room for your husband to work on his belief systems around truth telling, provided he’s interested.
The first two scenarios from my perspective are an uncomfortable existence, not for the person but for the people, friends, family members and co-workers who fill in the important gaps in a person’s life. I would venture to say your awareness of your husband’s constant exaggerations and untruths are not a sudden revelation to you but something you have been privy to from early on in your relationship. His repertoire may have expanded over time, but it’s important to understand your buy-in, what your participation was in this scenario and ultimately what you believed to be true at the time.
It appears that in presently this type of behavior is no longer working for you. The question is What are you willing to do about it? Have you moved closer to this becoming a deal breaker? Is there a willingness to get outside support around this for the two of you, or is he perfectly comfortable in his existence and doesn’t see his own behavior as part of the problem?
As I have always said, perception doesn’t always take into consideration the truth. If nothing else it’s time for you to decide for yourself what’s true.
Good luck!
Dear Mitch is written by “The Relationship Coach”, also known as Mitch Newman, M.A.. Write Dear Mitch at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or follow this link to fill out a form. Every letter is carefully reviewed but because of the large numbers of letters we receive, not every letter can be answered.
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