Dear Mitch A Spouse's Duty To Stay Healthy
A Spouse's Duty To Stay Healthy
Monday, 01 February 2010 00:00
Husband has hair loss, but his ballooning weight is what is on the mind of his concerned wife.
This is a relationship question that has nothing to do with being bald. My husband is balding, but that is less of a problem than his ballooning weight. We’re both in our late 30s, and he has let himself go. At 5 feet 11 inches, he weighed 170 when we married. I’m sure he’s gained over 100 pounds in the four years we’ve been married. I don’t think he is depressed or has a health issue. To me, he eats entirely too much and refuses to exercise. He’d rather watch TV than walk the dog for ten minutes.
What are a person’s responsibilities in regards to keeping themselves fit and healthy (and sexy) after marriage?
— Sue in Atlanta
Dear Sue:
Great question and one that I get a lot! One of the most common issues that couples face is when one partner completely loses sight of anything that resembles self-care. It’s most prevalent in couples with kids when the baby weight (for both of them) turns to what I call “maybe weight” — maybe I’ll lose it; maybe I won’t. Not sure from your note if this is the case for the two of you, but regardless, it’s often brought on by the same core beliefs.
What I can’t quite grasp from what you’ve written is what the dialogue between the two of you about this issue has been. Do you bring it up and he shuts you down? Do you yell and scream about it and he pushes you away? So much of the outcome we want to create is predicated on our approach to an issue. Your approach needs to be one of loving, and from a number of standpoints. First and foremost is his physical health and well-being. At 5 feet 11 inches and at least 270 pounds, he is running into a variety of danger zones, from diabetes to heart disease to circulatory issues from gross inactivity. Expressing your concern for his physical health would make a great deal of sense considering you guys have made a choice to be together. I also want to suggest that you ask him if he’s upset about anything going on or not going on in his life. Perhaps losing his hair started a downward spiral and the weight insulates him from having to feel his feelings about it. Bottom line: Thinking he’s not depressed is not a great form of communication unless you’re psychic.
With respect to the question as to what a person’s responsibilities are in regard to keeping him- or herself fit, healthy and sexy, the short answer is — whatever he/you/both of you decide you want that to look like. Most likely you didn’t have this exact discussion when you first got together, and there’s no better time than now to engage in this dialogue. Now, if from your perspective you are finding yourself less attracted to him, then he probably needs to hear that — not done from a place of “lose the weight or else” but from a place of wanting to have that feeling back. I don’t have a lot to go on with respect to your sex life, and yet I imagine that this piece of the relationship puzzle either has fallen apart or is on a collision course. The thematic of everything that I am suggesting to you is ultimately about starting a dialogue where fears, concerns, wants, needs are all being expressed and from both sides. The uncomfortable conversations are often the ones that need to happen to get us back on track.
Dear Mitch is written by “The Relationship Coach”, also known as Mitch Newman, M.A.. Write Dear Mitch at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or follow this link to fill out a form. Every letter is carefully reviewed but because of the large numbers of letters we receive, not every letter can be answered.
Keywords: Hair Loss Treatments
