Dear Mitch Wife Wants Out Of the Rat Race
Wife Wants Out Of the Rat Race
Monday, 01 February 2010 00:00
Wife is tired of working hard to keep up the image of the successful couple, when there is life to be enjoyed instead.
My husband “Steve” and I both work. We have an expensive home with an expensive mortgage, almost $4,200 per month without the taxes. Our home is filled with expensive art and furniture we bought over the years, mostly on credit cards. We have all the toys, like jet skis, motorcycles and cars. I’m 44-years-old and getting a bit tired of working so hard to keep up this lifestyle so we can be the “rich and successful” people in our respective families. We’re not getting any younger! I told Steve last month that I wanted us to step out of the rat race and slow down and have less “things.” Sell our home for a profit when we can, sell the toys and then rent a nice home and keep all this money (property taxes, property insurance, etc.) for our retirement and enjoy more leisure time without work on weekends and evenings to keep up what I’m seeing as a charade and attempt to keep up with the Joneses. He freaked out, accusing me of “changing the rules” of the game as we go. But aren’t we supposed to change and grow? Are we supposed to have the same naive goals we had when we married at 20? Since then things have been strained, and I’m wondering if this is going to break our marriage. Your thoughts?
— Shelly, Los Angeles, CA
Dear Shelly:
I’m not in the crystal ball business, so answering if I think this is deal breaker time is not going to happen. What I want to offer you is perspective and a little insight into men. Most of us are taught that keeping up with the Joneses is really the starting point — exceeding them is the goal. Clearly Steve has a thing for toys, and the things that he’s acquired over the years have provided some sense of confirmation and comfort that he has indeed made it. This may not be entirely “real” in real-world reality, but it has been his reality and, let’s not forgot, for a long time yours, as well.
When a woman changes up on a man, or, as you put it, changes the rules, there’s not a whole lot of gradual going on. The list of things you shared with Steve was pretty much everything but the kitchen sink. And I imagine if you bought a really expensive kitchen sink, it also would have been on your sell list. Guys don’t change gears like that unless they’re running from the law. You basically slapped him upside his head with no room to digest your most basic concerns. He can’t make the switch that fast — He might not want to make it at all. Yet, if you want him to consider the concept, you have to present it in small bites. I hear that you are tired, perhaps even exhausted, and he needs to know that. If you are scared, concerned, angry or upset, he needs to hear that, as well. You can’t shift behavior until you deal first with your feelings and then with his. “Things” are not feelings, so the conversation has to start at this very basic place. Beyond that frank and very necessary conversation, you’ll begin to see some openings, and by openings I mean some areas in which compromise is a possibility. This needs to be a step approach, as I indicated, in small bites that he can easily digest and from which he can gain perspective or make the decision that this is not a direction he wants to continue.
We can’t predict the outcome, only influence it by taking into consideration the wants and ultimate needs of both you and Steve. Clearly things are shifting for you, and that’s a good thing. But choosing to be in a committed relationship implies you’re a team player. Play this one a little slower and see if you can’t work together to create a win-win.
Dear Mitch is written by “The Relationship Coach”, also known as Mitch Newman, M.A.. Write Dear Mitch at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or follow this link to fill out a form. Every letter is carefully reviewed but because of the large numbers of letters we receive, not every letter can be answered.
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