The Ground Rules for Sharing Intimate Relationship Details




I get this a lot. It used to be just from men. More and more now I get it from women. What is respectful to share about your sexual escapades, or even lack thereof, with others? Now, I have found this can be a slippery slope, especially when information that is shared finds its way back to the source and no agreement was in place.

Traditionally, guys sitting around having a drink in a bar are quick to talk about their conquests and initial exploits about “getting some,” but they grow increasingly quieter as the relationship grows in intensity and seriousness. Women will often do the same but maybe naturally more generous with information as time goes by. Much of this is about a bonding experience with friends, and, providing the stories depict sexual prowess and paint one in a favorable light, most end up not caring.

I have discovered there are three main categories for the sharing of information on sexual experiences that occur during most relationships. Granted, there are subcategories based on how long you may be involved with someone, but I trust you’ll know if the three I offer up don’t relate to you.

Three categories of “kissing and telling”

  1. The kiss-and-don’t-tell category. These are generally the people who want you to know they’re “getting it” but stop short of sharing any details. They will use such words as “hot” and “sexy,” lots of adjectives to describe what they’re experiencing but not really provide any details of the experience. They might say things like, “One thing led to another, and then, you know,” but leave it up to you to know what that all means. If you press them for details, the most you will get out of them is a smile or a knowing look. If you feed them details based on your own imagination, the conversation will abruptly end. This sucks for those people who really want to compare notes to find out where they stand in their own relationship.
  2. The kiss-and-tell-everything category. These are the couples who not only like to tell you everything they do and every single detail but also they want you to do the same. Please note that these people are not #$%& making this up. These people are the real deal. They’re the Ringling Bros/Cirque du Soleil of sexual exploits. I always tell couples not to attempt to one-up these folks, because they will always lose. Instead, go for the gold and take good notes! Also, please be aware that these are the same couples who will likely tell you they would love to have your spouse. The guys will say things like, “Your wife is so hot. What I wouldn’t give for one night with her. You’re such a lucky guy.” The last part about you being lucky — that’s to ensure you don’t haul off and hit them, and that the real God here is you! You might be shocked, be put off, or think it’s funny, but to them, they’re offering up the ultimate compliment. They will also likely engage in sexual banter, either in person or by text or e-mail, but will always do so out in the open so that nobody’s feelings are hurt and no one believes anything is going on behind anyone’s back. Finally, these couples are more prone to wet hello kisses and to hugs that last longer than 10 seconds.
  3. The say-nothing category. These folks will never, ever reveal anything about their sexual relationship with their partner. They hold this time between them as “sacred,” so forget about ever getting anything from them. These are the same people who would have shared every sordid detail about a one-night stand they had but once they like someone and are committed, sexual conversation and innuendo are over. They’re more tight-lipped than a mime. Even if they have kids, don’t assume they’ve had sex. You’re just never going to know — like the secret formula for Coke. Just move on and forget about it. Or do what a lot of other couples do: speculate when alone with their own spouse as to what the other couple is doing. It’s not a bad way to pass an evening, especially when you know you’re not getting any.