Pointless and thoughtless questions about hair loss can be ignored or responded to with a good, smart-ass zinger in reply.
Back in the 1960s and 1970s, “Mad Magazine” ran a regular feature, “Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions,” which, as the title suggests, would supply a number of smart-ass retorts to overly obvious questions. Authored by the resoundingly sarcastic Al Jaffee, a typical question might be “Did you catch that fish?” and a typical reply might be “No, I talked him into giving himself up,” usually followed by several more possible rejoinders.
Pointless, thoughtless or just plain idiotic questions are a part of everyday life, but those with noticeable hair loss may very likely get a bit miffed at some particular ones. People generally just let these questions roll off their backs, but there are times when a person really feels like firing back a zinger or two.
So in the interest of those times, let’s examine some possible retorts to questions you just wish people wouldn’t ask – such as:
“Are you losing your hair?”
Now, really, what kind of a question is that? Unless the question comes from someone with whom you are intimately involved, what business is it of theirs? And if it DOES come from an intimate acquaintance, they most likely know the answer already.
So, how to reply? First, there’s the “Groucho Marx” approach:
Q: “Are you losing your hair?”
A: “Why? Did you find some?”
There’s the “sarcastic turnaround:
Q: “Are you losing your hair?”
A: “No, I’m growing my forehead.”
And the “back at you:”
Q: “Are you losing your hair?”
A: “Are you losing your mind?”
And the classic insult:
Q: “Are you losing your hair?”
A: (Patting the questioner’s head as you speak) “Well, better a bald head than an empty one.”
Some questions practically cry out for the “Overly-Aggressive Cartoon Character” style of response:
Q: “How does it feel to lose all your hair?”
A: “Oh, something like this.” (Grab hair of questioner and pull at it mercilessly.)
School reunions can be filled with inappropriate questions demanding sharp responses:
Q: “What happened to your hair?”
A: “Nothing compared to what happened to your brain.”
Or
Q: “When did you lose all your lovely hair?”
A: “I guess about the same time you lost all your lovely manners.”
Or
Q: “Don’t you miss having hair?”
A: “No. As they say, ‘Long on hair, short on wit.’”
The questions keep coming, but so can the answers
Those of us who employ hair systems have to endure the “is he or isn’t he”-based queries. Legendary TV personality Steve Allen supplied a fitting rejoinder that can come in handy for those with hairpieces, toupees, plugs, etc.:
Q: “Is that hair real?”
A: “The hair is real; it’s the head that’s a fake.”
Late in life, John “Duke” Wayne also had a surprising answer to that question: “Sure it’s real. Of course, it’s not mine, but it’s real!”
Sometimes you can use these annoying questions to your advantage, letting your reply demonstrate that you’re comfortable with how much hair you do or do not have and building yourself up in the process. For example:
Q: “How does it feel to be bald?”
A: “Incredible. It’s a great big solar panel for my sex machine.”
Q: “What happened to your hair?”
A: “Like they say, grass doesn’t grow on a busy street.”
Q: “Do you like being bald?”
A: “No bad hair days, no bed head, no hat head, no dandruff, no gray hairs, no snarls and tangles and knots. And besides, you know what they say – they don’t waste beautiful shiny marble tops on cheap, shoddy furniture.”
If you’re not afraid of getting a black eye, you can always take the down-and-dirty personal approach:
Q: “Do women like a guy with no hair?”
A: “Well, your wife doesn’t seem to mind.”
But, really, it’s better to avoid that kind of trouble altogether.
As can be seen from the above, humor is one of the best ways of dealing with some questions. I’ll leave you with a comment from bald comedian Mark Miller which would certainly be an appropriate response to “When did you lose your hair?”
“I lost my hair when I was sixteen. Boy, what a card game THAT was!”
